


Unholy Macaroni

by Wynele



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Annoying Siblings, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Silly, Slice of Life, With demons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 04:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15163124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wynele/pseuds/Wynele
Summary: After a decade of dating, Chloe and Lucifer stumble upon a celestial plot that will change both their lives--or rather, it stumbles upon them.





	Unholy Macaroni

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, the whole "Don't start something new until I finish something old" is working out. Updates are governed by whimsy:)
> 
> Painite: _According to many, including the Guinness Book of World Record, Painite is the world’s rarest mineral. For decades, only two crystals were known to exist. The mineral is made up of aluminum, calcium, boron, zirconium, and oxygen._

The last several years with Lucifer had been fun, exciting, and by most definitions, amazing. They had also been confusing, terrifying, and all too often painful. Still, it was worth it, even if there was no shortage of weirdness.  

Weirdness such as a baby sister inadvertently turning into a dragon and accidentally destroying a Whole Foods. Miraculously, no one was hurt. Apologies were made as the dust settled and Lucifer inexplicably became the owner of a once struggling production company.

It was a win, she supposed, even with the lifetime ban from Whole Foods and its affiliates. Shame really. She enjoyed their breakfast bar.

Shivering and only half awake, Chloe groped blindly at Lucifer’s side of the bed. Finding it empty, but the sheets warm, she propped herself up on one elbow and yawned across the at the adjoining bathroom door.

Once again, she was reminded of the sheer size of the house. It was too big for the both of them, especially now that Trixie was away at school. It had been something of a compromise between the two of them when, after three years of dating, the subject of next steps was broached. Lucifer was the devil, after all, so considering all options seemed like a sound plan.

Ella had voted, rather loudly, for babies, lots and lots, of beautiful, dark-eyed babies. All girls, of course, some blonde, others brunette, but the eldest would have dark red hair.

Realizing that while Ella was a good friend, she was a bit too preoccupied with a vagina not her own, she opted to instead broach the subject with Lucifer. Not children, of course. That was something simply not in the cards for either of them. But, perhaps living together was.

With nary a touch of the expected freak out, Lucifer suggested that since neither his penthouse or her townhouse was appropriate, perhaps one of his many properties would suffice.

Suffice, in Lucifer speak, meant, of course, six bedroom home in one of Los Angeles’ most affluent neighborhoods. The house, itself, had been willed to Lucifer by a wealthy starlet with whom he had shared a magical weekend on one his previous jaunts to the mortal plane.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Lucifer had made a several million dollar impression. Truth be told, after a decade as his lover, Chloe was more surprised no one had willed him an island.  Then again, someone probably had.

Realizing Lucifer probably was not coming back to bed, she glanced at the phone on her nightstand and frowned at the early hour. For a brief moment, she considered crawling back beneath the blankets to wait for Lucifer to wake her.

She frowned, wondering if he had gone out for coffee as he sometimes did. Scooting over, she opened the drawer of his nightstand and found his keys and money clip still within. Wherever he was, he was still home doing something instead of someone, namely her.

Grumpily, she considered going to find him, but that would require getting out of bed. Deciding she was far too comfortable to get out of bed, at least before noon, she tried to hear the lilting notes of his piano but instead heard muffled voices.

Lucifer was speaking to someone. His tone was low and serious, mild, but still commanding. It was his, _Why, yes, I am the devil,_ voice.

Flinging off the blankets, she hopped out of bed and pulled on a robe before padding down the hallway. As she drew closer to the living room, the voices became clearer.

“Qeri’ztarix,” Lucifer addressed their visitor firmly, but with a barely detectable fondness.

Curiosity getting the better of her, Chloe bound into the living room only to stop dead in her tracks. Standing just a few feet away was a waifish young girl with silvery blonde hair and huge leathery wings. Chloe blinked hard, feeling her sanity sort of spin and unravel.

It seemed constant exposure to the devil and all his associated weirdness did not completely inoculate her against the batshit crazy that was a winged teenager. _Batshit,_ Chloe thought and giggled to herself. Because the girl-demon has bat wings.

The demon turned to face Chloe and curtseyed, her long, six-fingered hands lifting the hem of her skirt. “My Lady.”

“Right,” Chloe more mouthed than said, her cheeks ballooning slightly with her exhale. “Demons wear pinafores because, of course, they do.”

Lucifer cut across the room to stand in front of Chloe, blocking the demon from her view. “My apologies. I didn’t realize you were awake,” he said, his tone overly formal and almost cold. “Are you all right?”

Out of sight of the demon, he stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. His features were schooled in cool, pleasant lines, but there was thin reed of panic in his eyes. She had seen that look at least a dozen times before. It was the worry that this latest bit of supernatural hijinks would be the one that would send her fleeing for the door.

Sometimes, when she was truly honest with herself, Chloe realized that she wished they were just two normal people. A nightclub owner and a cop living in an expensive house with too many rooms. Maybe they would’ve finally adopted that dog they had talked about for years or had those tiny mad scientists Ella so desperately wanted If distant, fleeting wishes came true, she might have had that life. She may have even been happy. But maybe the life she had was already better.

“I’m fine,” Chloe said quickly, reassuring him with a smirk, and then dropped her voice to a whisper. “Why is there a demonic teenager in the living room?”

“Is there any other kind?” Lucifer asked, earning a choked laugh and a smack on the arm from Chloe. He kissed her lightly, the tip of his tongue brushing over her lips, and then traced her cheekbone with his thumb. “Perhaps we should ask her?”

He turned on his heel with his back straight and his head high. His expression was haughty, a touch cruel, and nothing like the Lucifer she knew. “Qeri’ztarix. Why have you come here?”

Qeri’ztarix beamed, seemingly happy to simply be addressed, and bowed her head.  “To protect and serve you, my Lord,” the demon said simply, and then nodded an acknowledgment at Chloe. “And your consort, of course.”

At that, Chloe brushed past Lucifer to stand in front of him, hands on her hips. She leaned forward to peer directly into the demon’s cerulean blue eyes. “Aren’t you a little young to sell your soul to the devil?”

Baffled, Qeri’ztarix tipped her head sideways. Her silvery bangs slid across her forehead to reveal a pair of dainty horns. “I don’t have a soul.”

“She’s right, Detective,” Lucifer chirped, bits of her Lucifer slipping through the veneer that was the devil. “No demon has a soul. It’s what—”

“Briel told me that a soul would find me if I did lots of good deeds,” the demon said suddenly, clasping her hands together in delight. “Would that not be wonderful? It would be my best friend.”

Lucifer and Chloe traded looks and then turned back to the demon.

“Why would an angel—”

“Briel?” Lucifer hissed and sidestepped to stand in front of Chloe, pushing her behind him. “What was Gabriel doing in hell?”

Lucifer sidestepped to stand in front of Chloe, pushing her behind him. His eyes blazed with fury. “Did he send you here?”

“Will you stop,” Chloe grumbled, smacking him on the arm as she brushed past him. Pretending she wasn’t clad in only a robe, she straightened her spine and slipped into detective mode. After so many years it was easy, almost second nature, and infinitely helpful when dealing with the weirdness of her life. “Okay, back up.”

The girl gave her a quizzical look, and the shrugged before taking a single hopping step back. “Like this, my Lady?”

“Not what I…” Chloe squinted at the girl, sizing her up, and then sighed. “Perfect.”

The girl beamed, eager to please, and bounced on the balls of her feet. Her wings twitched against her back. “Thank you, my Lady.”

Chloe smiled tightly and grabbed Lucifer by the elbow, pulling him into the corner of the living room. “Okay,” she whispered harshly, her eyes shifting frantically from side to side. “That is a demon, right?”

Lucifer’s expression softened slightly, but his eyes remained hard, angry. “Yes, indeed.”

She moved closer to him, almost standing on top of him, and fisted her hand into his shirt. “Why does she like you so much,” she hissed and then scowled at his offended expression. “You know what I mean!”

“No,” Lucifer sputtered, placing a hand against his chest. “I don’t believe I do—”

“My fondness is respect, my Lady. Our Lord was always kind to we demons,” the demon girl murmured, cutting through the tension in the air. She shirked back when the pair spun to glare at her. “Even when he did not have to be.”

“Oh,” Lucifer murmured, the hard veneer of the devil softening once again. He glanced at Chloe and sighed inwardly. He knew that look well enough realize that the demon had now utterly won her over. No use fighting it, he supposed.

“Qeri’ztarix,” he said sternly, but not unkindly. “Do you know what was my brother doing in hell?”

“He needed a rock from the mines,” Qeri’ztarix said, pausing to worry at her bottom lip with her fangs. “I recall a damned soul that is rather fond of rocks. One that I am told had he wronged you greatly.” She shrugged, confused as to why her Lady suddenly looked so guilty. “Perhaps the two are related?”

“I doubt it, sweetie,” Chloe said distantly, ignoring the way the girl perked up at the endearment and raised her eyebrows at Lucifer. “What kind of minerals are in the mines?”

“Depends on the mine, Detective,” Lucifer replied and paused for a moment to fiddle with his cufflinks. “The largest is the primary producer of the ore for demon steel, while the others produce gemstones.”

Chloe nodded and took a step toward the demon, Lucifer at her back. They had lived and worked together for so long that their partnership was second nature. “Did he say why he needed the rock?”

The demon shook her head vigorously, her silvery hair flying about her shoulders. “He did not say, only that he hoped Kiely found her piece before the mortal died.”

“Zadkiel?” Lucifer questioned, frowning as he stared thoughtfully down at the carpet. “She’s always been indifferent to humanity. Why would she…”

“Zadkiel is the Jedi, right?” Chloe asked, hastily, grinning at the old joke. “What’s Gabriel’s gift?”

As Lucifer did when mortals were in peril, he automatically assumed the mortal in question was her. Unfortunately, he was also right more often than not.

“Zadkiel can read minds, yes, but she’s no Jedi,” he said in a tone that would make many a fanboy proud and pinched the bridge of his nose. “As for Gabriel—”

“He is very pretty, my Lord,” the demon girl supplied helpfully, bobbing her head with a nod. “It is why I began tracking him in Hell.”

Chloe blinked and swallowed hard, her head tilting sideways. “You tracked an angel across hell,” she began slowly, incredulity growing in her tone,” because he’s pretty?”

Qeri’ztarix blinked at Chloe, as if she had suddenly grown a second head, and then nodded in agreement. “And to protect him from the mires.”

Chloe frowned, glancing at Lucifer. “What are mires?”

“Semi sentient puddles. Little more than a nuisance to demons, but they can be quite deadly to angels. Not even I can tolerate them,” Lucifer said, shivering a little, and then his tone grew cold, suspicious. “It seems our little demon here saved my brother’s life. The question is why?”

The demon folded her hands over her middle and pulled herself up to her full, diminutive height.  “I thought that since you are so very kind, my Lord, that your brother might be so as well. And I was correct,” she said, her eyes crinkling with her smile. “But really, all I did was show him how to recognize them.”

Chloe squinted, mentally putting together a puzzle that was still missing several pieces. “That doesn’t explain how you got here.”

“Oh, that is simple, my Lady,” Qeri’ztarix gushed, bright-eyed and happy. “After Briel found his rock, he thanked me for my help and made me promise to never do anything I did not wish to do.”

Chloe groaned, rubbing her temples. Suddenly she had a bad feeling. “And I take it staying in Hell wasn’t something you wanted to do.”

“It is home, my Lady,” the demon said fondly. “I bear it no ill will.”

“Gabriel left Hell through a portal, didn’t he? And you slipped through before it closed,” Lucifer groaned, covering his face with one hand. “Which means Raziel is involved.”

“And someone called Ithie, my Lord.”

“Ithuriel, lovely,” Lucifer groaned, throwing his hands up and rolling his eyes. “Are all my siblings involved?”

The demon frowned, lifting her shoulders in a shrug. “I do not know, my Lord. It depends on how many you have.”

“Many,” Lucifer said on the tail end of an exasperated breath. He turned to Chloe, his mouth twisting into that wide, painful grin he got whenever he was nervous. “Well, my dear. At least it’s not a dragon.”

Chloe opened her mouth and then closed it, lifting a brow. “No, it’s a demon on our doorstep.”

“Right,” Lucifer said, pausing for a moment to fuss with his cufflinks. “I suppose I should see her home. Then we can—”

“No!” Qeri’ztarix shrieked, for the first time sounding truly hellish. “I do not wish to go!”

Glowering, Lucifer turned on his heel and held up a hand in warning. “Qeri’ztarix, I command—"

“No, please, my Lord,” the demon pleaded, dropping to her knees. She pressed her forehead to the floor until her small horns dug into the carpet. “Forgive me, but while I am yours to command, first and forever, but I also swore a vow to your brother.”

“Gabriel, yes,” Lucifer said with a sigh. Then, seemingly resigned, helped the demon to her feet. “I hope you didn’t loan him any money, my dear.”

Qeri’ztarix scrubbed at her face with the heels of her hands. Her eyes were red and damp with almost tears. “I do not have any money.”

“Just as well, I suppose,” Lucifer said, awkwardly patting the demon on the shoulder. “You would’ve never seen it again had you loaned it to him.”

“Okay,” Chloe mouthed, eyes widening as she goggled at Lucifer. “A few months ago, I helped fight a dragon and that made more sense than what just happened.”

Lucifer opened his mouth and closed it, trying to decide the best way to explain. “Well, my dear. Infernal contracts are a bit complicated, especially if you add celestials to the mix.”

He turned to the girl and took her hand, giving her a thorough once over. “The sixth finger and the,” he looked down at her feet, “toes may remain, but you will have to learn to conceal the rest.”

“Oh, that is simple,” Qeri’ztarix said with a delighted gasp, and then rolled her shoulders. The wings disappeared in a whoosh of air. Then she smacked her forehead, right above her horns, with both palms. “Done!”

Chloe chuckled to herself, shaking her head. “Okay, she’s super adorable,” she said, gesturing with one hand. “But what are you going to do with her? She’s like twelve.”

“I am actually several thousand years old, my Lady—”

“She’s part of whatever my siblings are planning,” Lucifer said, stoking the embers of his anger. “I will keep her close until I determine what that is.”

“So,” Chloe drew out, her mouth making a little “o,” and lifted her eyebrows. “We’ve just adopted a demon child. Makes sense.”

“Come now, Detective,” Lucifer cooed and pulled her into his arms. He seemed happy and vaguely amused, but there was a wary anger lurking in his eyes. “You’re always complaining the house is too large for just the two of us.”

“Yeah,” Chloe admitted, bobbing her head as she wrinkled her nose. “Why get a dog or a cat or ask Trixie to attend a local college for a semester or two when you can adopt a demonic tweener?”

Utterly nonplussed, Lucifer waved her off. “Not to worry, Detective. She can stay in the penthouse until we get matters settled.” He clapped his hands, his fingertips rapping shortly against his palm. “Get your things, dear.”

The demon girl blinked at him, looking down at herself. “But, I do not have any things, my Lord.”

“No, no no!” Chloe said insistently and lift a hand, pointing a single finger skyward for emphasis. “You can’t leave a little girl—”

“Demon,” Lucifer corrected, confused as to what exactly the issue could be. The Detective had lived with a demon before, so it wasn’t an issue of unfamiliarity. And unlike Maze, Qeri’ztarix was housebroken. Probably. “I don’t—”

“No,” Chloe said, pointing a warning finger at Lucifer, and then she turned to the demon. She smiled her best smile. “All right, Keri...Karitar…Carrot top…” She shook her head and flashed the demon an apologetic smile. “We’ll figure this out, but first, let’s just get you some breakfast, okay?”

Qeri’ztarix smiled and took Chloe’s hand in hers. Her hands were warm, almost feverish, but soft to the touch. “Keri,” she drew out and then nodded for Chloe to repeat.

“Carrie.”

“Very good, my Lady.” The demon shrugged as if to say, “close enough,” and then nodded. “Now try the rest, Tari.”

“Carrie Tari, huh.” Chloe smiled, rolling the name around on her tongue. The physical contact with the demon made understanding and speaking the name easier, somehow. It was something she didn’t want to think about at the moment. “How about I just call you Carrie?”

Carrie shrugged. “As you like, my Lady.”

“Oh, don’t mind me,” Lucifer said lightly, waving them off as if he were washing his hands of the entire matter. “I’ll just be over here being the Lord the of Hell and such.”

“And trying to figure out what mortal your siblings are trying to keep alive,” Chloe reminded as she looked Carrie up and down, frowning. “You don’t have parents that will come looking for you?”

“Demons don’t have parents as a general rule, Detective,” Lucifer said, yawning into the back of his hand. Then, a realization flowed over his features and he took a wide step back. “Why don’t you help her with a bath while I make breakfast. I believe the urchin left some of her clothes the last time she visited.”

With that, he fled, leaving Chloe to wonder. She turned back to Carrie, who save for the extra digits on each hand and the silvery hair looked like a normal teen girl. “He does that sometimes.”

Carrie frowned a little, sticking out her bottom lip. “My Lord should not cook me breakfast.”

Chloe laughed to herself, shaking her head. “Your lord likes to cook breakfast.” 

“As you say, my Lady.”

“Chloe,” the Detective corrected, patting the demon’s arm. “Detective is fine, too.”

“But you are my Lord Lucifer’s consort and…” The demon squirmed a bit, clearly uncomfortable, but then nodded. “Of course, my…Detective.”

“Okay, bath time. Then pancakes.”

“What is a pancake?” Carrie asked as Chloe dragged her off to the guest bathroom.


End file.
